Tuesday, 29 March 2011

Fascinating Chuck Norris Facts 4.0

Chuck Norris can peel potatoes with his eyelids.

Chuck Norris will make you an offer you can't refuse, then make you refuse it.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on a google search it doesn't say, "Did you mean: Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "RUN, while you still have the chance."  

'uʍop-ǝpısdn ʇuǝʍ ʇxǝʇ ʎɯ os ʞɔıʞ ǝsnoɥpunoɹ ɐ pıp sıɹɹou ʞɔnɥɔ'

Monday, 28 March 2011

Fascinating Chuck Norris Facts 3.9

If Chuck Norris is after you, don't bother killing yourself, he'll pull you down from heaven and kill you again

In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris still kicks your ass.

Chuck Norris caught them all, with one PokeBall.

Thursday, 24 March 2011

Fascinating Chuck Norris Facts 3.8

While everyone else made paper airplanes as a child, Chuck Norris made paper beards.

During the last Ice Age, Mr T and Chuck Norris encountered each other on a lonesome path in the Alps. Before the inevitable battle could begin, the earth shit itself and created France.

Chuck Norris owns a magical mirror which allows him to peer out of any other mirror in the world. Any time you undress in front of a mirror in your bedroom Chuck Norris could be watching. But he NEVER does, because YOUR FAT FLABBY BODY DISGUSTS HIM.

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Fascinating Chuck Norris Facts 3.7

New archaeological evidence suggests that it was in fact Chuck Norris who defeated Goliath. It also suggests that the tiny pebble was actually David.

When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity, Chuck went out and got it back.

When Chuck Norris helps you jump-start your car, remember: Beard is positive, fist is negative.


Monday, 21 March 2011

Fascinating Chuck Norris Facts 3.6

Chuck Norris once survived a suicide bombing. He was the bomber.

Chuck Norris is the only man to have literally beaten the odds.

Chuck Norris has to sort his washing into three loads: Darks, Whites and Bloodstains.

Saturday, 19 March 2011

Fascinating Chuck Norris Facts 3.5

Chuck Norris IS allowed to talk about fight club.

Chuck Norris allows churches to exist only in order to stop people from coming and praying at his house.

Chuck Norris coined the phrase "I see dead people" after the waitstaff at Frankie & Bennys forgot his Birthday.

Thursday, 17 March 2011

Fascinating Chuck Norris Facts 3.4

Chuck Norris played the tornado in the film Twister.

If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.

The phrase MADE BY CHUCK NORRIS is imprinted beneath the surface of China.

Classic ^ name that film :)

Oh god, really?!

Fascinating Chuck Norris Facts 3.3


Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.

Looking for a safe stance on abortion? Neither is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' bout.

Never, ever, go full retard. (Tropic Thunder)

I think I'll post these great Cyanide and Happiness pics to bring some more laughs to the page. They crack me up.

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

Fascinating Chuck Norris Facts 3.2

Chuck Norris single-handedly canceled Friends by frowning one time.

Chuck Norris coined the phrase "Pardon my French" after picking up a Frenchman and using him like a bat to club people.

Chuck Norris not only talks in third person, he sees in third person.

Chuck in the Mushroom Kingdom:

So Youtube are being whiney little girls and took away my geeky kid pwnage video. Instead here's a clip I found of a stick animation featuring you know who.

Monday, 14 March 2011

Fascinating Chuck Norris Facts 3.1

Chuck is back!

For every man you don't kill, Chuck Norris kills seven.

God wanted ten days to create the Earth. Chuck Norris gave him six.

If Chuck Norris was an animal, he would be Chuck Norris.

Hell yes.

Male or female, Chuck Norris CAN make you jizz your pants.

Friday, 11 March 2011

Fascinating Chuck Norris Facts 3.0

Okay, instead of leaving you all in the dark wondering where my post for Saturday has gone (as you all care soo much), I'm giving you a heads up - I ain't doing one. Why? Skinny dipping again? More white water? No. I'm away up to Edinburgh (I live 40 miles south of Edinburgh) for a 6 hour Ghost hunting expedition with Paranormal Investigations Scotland.

I love this bit on the booking confirmation:
'Paranormal Investigations Scotland accepts NO responsibility for injury to or the death of any person, or damage to any property arising from your participation in the activities at any attended event.'

So from 12 midnight until 6am I'm getting my Peter Venkman on. 'Who ya gonna call?'  :)

Did you know...

Every morning Chuck Norris trims his beard and donates the hairs to NASA, who use them as a vital ingredient in the shuttle re-entry heat shield alloy.

Chuck Norris performs cold fusion in his left testicle, and nuclear fission in his right.

Chuck Norris wears bear traps as sandals.

Lightsaber fights. Geeky? Yes. Ass-spankingly amazing? Uh, yeah. Chuck Norris approved!

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Fascinating Chuck Norris Facts 2.9

Did you know...

Bigfoot is a piece of Chuck Norris's beard that gained sentience and escaped.

Chuck Norris CAN find a needle in a haystack, then kill a man with the needle... or the haystack.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. Instead, the bed wet itself out of fear.

Baby Chuck...

Rhod Gilbert. I find this sketch very funny. Enjoy.

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Fascinating Chuck Norris Facts 2.8

Did you know...

Jesus's Birthday isn't actually December 25th, but Chuck Norris once sent him a Birthday card on that day. Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth, and that's why we celebrate Christmas.

It's said you can't know someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. This means no one will ever know Chuck Norris because he'd kill you if you touched his shoes.

On a hot Texas day, Chuck Norris heard someone say "it's not the heat, it's the humidity that will kill you." Chuck immediately threw him into the sun.

Bit of Mr Sheen anyone?

Monday, 7 March 2011

Fascinating Chuck Norris Facts 2.7

Did you know...

Rather than drink a cup of coffee every Morning, Chuck Norris pours the whole pot on his genitals.

The American flag puts it's hand over it's heart when Chuck Norris walks by.

Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs make a right.

Below: Chuck Norris Designed Childs Toy.

Scooby-Doo... why not.

Sunday, 6 March 2011

Fascinating Chuck Norris Facts 2.6

Did you know...

Chuck Norris is just like Jesus, except Chuck Norris won't die for your sins. Instead, you'll die for his.

Bruce Lee never died. The true cause of his disappearance is that he asked Chuck Norris to teach him how to perform a roundhouse kick. Being good friends, Chuck Norris promised to teach him, but only after Bruce Lee embarked on an epic journey of the spirit that is still taking place to this day - entirely within Chuck Norris's beard.

Chuck Norris once saved George Bush from choking on a pretzel by roundhouse kicking him in the throat. Chuck had no idea he was choking.

To continue the trend, I have missed a post this weekend. Not on purpose, but because I was busy doing silly things. Last week I went swimming (drunkenly) in the Sea at 3am, this week we were white water rafting :)

 Another video...I'd feel bad now if I didn't  post one.

Saturday, 5 March 2011

Fascinating Chuck Norris Facts 2.5

Did you know...

Chuck Norris accidentally created Optimus Prime when trying to come up with a prototype for the Total Gym.

Chuck Norris once coined the phrase 'I could eat a horse' after eating the last unicorn in existence.

A foolish man once decided to taunt Chuck Norris. Chuck responded by kicking the man so hard both his parents died.

Thursday, 3 March 2011

Fascinating Chuck Norris Facts 2.4

Did you know...

Chuck Norris once beat a man to death with his own corpse.

Rather than taking showers, Chuck Norris rides a nine-foot Grizzly Bear through a car wash.

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.

*Disclaimer - This video is purely fictional and contains some very inaccurate scenes (like this could happen to Chuck!)*

Fascinating Chuck Norris Facts 2.3

Did you know...

Chuck Norris CAN touch MC Hammer.

There is nothing to fear but fear itself, and fear itself fears Chuck Norris.

King Kong once challenged Godzilla to an arm-wrestling match. Chuck Norris won.

Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Fascinating Chuck Norris Facts 2.2

Did you know...

Archaeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined “victim” as “one who has encountered Chuck Norris”

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac, at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Check out this book I got as a Christmas present! Words cannot express the awesome!

Fascinating Chuck Norris Facts 2.1

Did you know...

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.

 The 4th and final Llama story. Carl rips the tag off a matress... Caaarrrrlllll......